There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
