i want to swaddle you in tequila
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm sobbing to NWA
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize