I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
