im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
