there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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