So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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