I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm always down for nudity.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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