I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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