I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize