I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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