Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My ATM looks so different sober.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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