Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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