call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
