Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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