Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
