I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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