My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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