from now on my penis is your penis
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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