I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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