i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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