Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
