Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
