I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
