Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
