never play flip cup with pint glasses
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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