Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
