I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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