at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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