i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
