i think my mom watched the whole time
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
