You're so nebulous sometimes
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
