Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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