Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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