They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
