i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
