One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
