This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
