we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
