Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
