shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
