New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
