My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
