had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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