Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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