3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
