You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
