24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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