i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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