I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
