You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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