he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
