never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
