He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
