I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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