please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
